I started reading this book yesterday that speaks about our gift zone. Without getting into too much detail, for me the gift zone is that place (brief moments, at least for me) where you feel bliss, awe, wonder, where you are your most authentic self in joy and as well as in suffering. And the author recommends that when you find yourself in your gift zone you should try to stay in it for just a little bit longer. That’s what I’m doing while writing this.
Last night I went to bed with a weird feeling, my body and mind were fatigued and I woke up this morning feeling the same way. I snoozed through the alarm to go to yoga at 6am (which for me is pretty early lol) but the dogs woke me up 30 minutes later and I decided to get dressed and go; I still had time… And while driving to the studio, a feeling of peace came over me, a sense that I was on the right path. I felt joy and sadness all at the same time for the beauty of the sky waking up to the day in many colors (shades of orange, purple, grey) and for the human suffering of my mind and heart.

I was in my gift zone.

And then I went to yoga, which for me has been a place of struggle lately. Yoga has been a practice in my life for longer than 10 years but somehow I find myself in a place where I don’t feel it anymore. As a teacher and a forever student, I’ve been lost in my practice and my journey. But today, after a long time, I was one with the practice again. It was a slow practice of patience and balance where I was constantly challenged. Where I found myself wobbling in a crescent lunge with side bend that I “hate” but I could still find compassion for myself. I could still find joy when falling from chapasana. And the thing is, it’s not really physical, is all in the works of my inner being. And I found myself free from the teacher’s mind. I wasn’t taking mental notes of poses to teach, of things that I like and didn’t. I was not comparing myself. I found myself back into my center, this place where my strengths and vulnerabilities can shine. A place where I can find joy even for the things that I don’t like about myself or that I try to hide about myself;  bittersweet bliss for this life.
When the practice was coming to an end and we were in savasana, I felt overwhelmed by my feelings and tears started coming from my eyes. There was a brief moment of embarrassment when I thought: What if the teacher or someone can see that I’m crying? But then, I let that go and came back to that center, to that place where I’m most myself and where I can find such beauty and sadness that I can cry in savasana. I embraced it. Who cares if someone can see me crying?
I thought I would share this because life can be really hard and throughout all the challenges and triggers where we go back to our traumas, to our habitual places that might not serve us anymore, to our conditioning we can get disillusioned. We can get bitter, angry, very protective and isolated. And I’m happy that I’m back in a place of openness where I can connect and let myself feel. And to make it even better, there was a puppy in yoga class. What more can you ask for?

Let life make you cry and make you dance.

Love,

elaine